mumma yaga

 January 13, 2024  It snowed. I kept the fire going, and I cooked black beans for scones, and fried mushrooms in soy sauce and maple syrup. A little maple syrup on the scones was heavenly. You can make scones with anything.  Elliot's lines kept coming to me. "At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless; Neither from nor towards; at the still point..." * I watched the snow falling; there was no yesterday, no tomorrow. It is bedtime, but I feel curiously awake. The snow has stopped now and there is a star in the sky. The lights of the town are visible, and headlights flash behind the trees down the distant hills. Mumma Yaga * Excerpt from BURNT NORTON (No. 1 of 'Four Quartets') by T.S. Eliot

January 4, 2024  One faces a task, without the will to do it. It may be as simple as the dishes, or as overwhelming as a tax form. Then out of the blue, the resistance is gone, and just as one falls into the space when the wall you are pushing against gives way, you fall into a void where "will" is no longer a need, indeed it is behind you. You accomplish the task, in that space of ability.  It started when I began to ready the house for a visit from Elf and her family. Rain helped and we cleaned the upstairs, vacuumed the main floor, and accomplished other preps. Elf cancelled, to have a day or two of complete rest at home. She has been performing six or seven shows a week for the last three weeks, with a couple of days off for Christmas. I was relieved, really, because there was much more to do and I was low on spoons. But the cleaning urge, indeed the cleaning, has continued. Mice have been wandering the tables where the blue cave and its bits await my attention, so the wh...

 December 29, 2023 Ten days since I have written. It feels like months since we returned to Quebec. It has been eleven days. Christmas came and went. I had dinner, on the 25th, at Rain's, though K, the hermit, stayed at the vineyard. Rain and Tal prepared a traditional dinner, turkey (one of the several they raised themselves), potatoes, carrots, beets, stuffing, and gravy, perfect. We sat six around the big wooden table in the kitchen, Tal's father, an old friend, and Tal's aunt. It was quiet and cheerful, warm as if candlelit, though there were no candles. The big woodstove kept us warm.  Fox slept through dinner. He woke just after we ate, and with his usual matter-of-fact acceptance of my presence, showed me his new toys. I was as delighted with them as he was! There were trains and cars and helicopters. I gave them voices, which delights Fox - he insists I make them "talk" some more. We put out numerous fires with the firetruck and helicopter, and rescued sev...

 I was looking for magic, in Toronto. Felt adrift in the flow of life these days. K continues to gain strength. He was back at #48 from rehab and we were adjusting to life withTamar's family. It was a struggle to move through my days without a compass, without knowing where the next month or year would see us. It is a challenge, too, living in the midst of a city after months on a hill by ourselves . I found magic, but I had to look carefully, because it was sometimes in small things. It was in the sunrises and settings too. The skies were always lovely and full of cloud and sun and moon. There are birds there too, as numerous as in the country. There were friends and neighbours too, which was very pleasant. We live a sheltered and hermit life in Quebec. So, yes, there were angels to be seen if you kept your eyes open.  Winter colours on bush and bramble.       On the sidewalk a print, from rain on a fallen leaf. Sunrises. The morning sun on the pylons. The...

Tuesday, 24th October A warm wind blows from the south. That brings rain. There are Halloween decorations on many of the lawns. I wonder - is there any understanding of the original meaning of the day any more? Perhaps there is a modern meaning, different but not less significant. It is a day when we can live with our demons and fantasies, in a culture where we do not deal well with death or evil. The important point is the expression of community, that people share with their neighbours by putting up decorations, and trick-or-treating. The more we connect with each other the kinder we will be to each other. K and I have come to Toronto earlier than planned to seek medical care, again. K is needing follow-up with his broken (mended now) hip. So here we are again in the Etobicoke house in the city, fitting ourselves back into the household of grandchildren and busy young lives. On the first night back I heard coyotes yipping, giving me the sense that it is not so different here after al...

 October 20 2023 As Fox and I walk up the camp road, I can smell the October leaves; a distinct soft and brown smell.  We walked to the top of the meadow and then came down, but near the top of the road, where it turns north and the top of the meadow is to your left, he wanted to be carried. "Gamma cayyie. ". So I hoist him onto my shoulder, since he is quite heavy for my hip, being two years old. Do I feel so frail that I am surprised by this competency? I can carry him easily on my shoulder. (When my children were small, if I had to carry them a long way, I would imagine that I was carrying them seeking refuge from war or flood. In such a situation so many parents have carried their children miles and miles, then slept by the road, and rose to carry them miles more. How fortunate we are to live in a safe country with resources for life.) And it is a surprise that I do all the things a grandmother should do, without every having read a book or been to a workshop! I am so goo...