231101 Toronto again

Tuesday, 24th October

A warm wind blows from the south. That brings rain. There are Halloween decorations on many of the lawns. I wonder - is there any understanding of the original meaning of the day any more? Perhaps there is a modern meaning, different but not less significant. It is a day when we can live with our demons and fantasies, in a culture where we do not deal well with death or evil. The important point is the expression of community, that people share with their neighbours by putting up decorations, and trick-or-treating. The more we connect with each other the kinder we will be to each other.

K and I have come to Toronto earlier than planned to seek medical care, again. K is needing follow-up with his broken (mended now) hip. So here we are again in the Etobicoke house in the city, fitting ourselves back into the household of grandchildren and busy young lives. On the first night back I heard coyotes yipping, giving me the sense that it is not so different here after all. The trees are lovely with golden leaves, and the dog walkers are friendly. Rocky has a hundred new dogs to smell for at every tree and post. He is not very happy to be here, he has no freedom to wander and he sometimes finds the family interactions stressful. I am sure that he senses my uneasiness as I adapt to the new surroundings. It takes a while to reestablish the relationships and balance in the new group. 

Indre and Robin seem to have grown so much in the few months we have been away. I am sure that our presence is upsetting to them and their parents as well, while they figure out how we fit into the pattern of life here. It is hard to have extra "watchers" constantly present as they go about their day. They have to figure out how to relate to us: are we friendly? prickly? scary? judging?

*****

 The weather continues warm and windy, the leaves blowing from the trees like flocks of birds. The starlings are amassing for the journey south. I have seen a couple of clouds of them swirling like river currents acros the sky, like one sees in videos. It is amazing. 

Since I was ill in 2021, I have walked like an eighty-year-old person, with bent knees and back. I could not remember how I walked when I was young and well. Suddenly, this week, I am walking like I used to walk. I feel like I have come back from another country. It is reassuring to feel like my old self again, in this respect, at least.

In other ways, however, I am feeling untethered, without a compass, and I walk through each day without a sense of what tomorrow will bring, without a sense of "self". It seems that I always was my "self" before this. But although my past is still a part of me, the me that was always there is lost. Lost, not in the sense of "lost a ring", but lost in a forest, at sea, in the mist. This is related to the "mortality event" situation, where something that was taken for granted is broken, or changed, seemingly, forever. It makes sense, because that event HAS changed your life, maybe for the rest of your time here. It certainly feels like you will not return to what you were before the event. That I am walking like I used to is a reassurance that one can sometimes return to that former condition. But the "tracks" of my life - that gave me a sense of self as I moved through life have ended so that I am walking (metaphorically, now) through life across plains unmarked, strange, unrecognized. 

Last day of October:

I woke up feeling better than I have for days. I took the day off yesterday, did nothing but walk, do sudoku, and watch a few episodes of tv shows. 

My diet has been poor since returning to Toronto. The availability of processed foods and the absence of a kitchen that is my own make for bad food choices. Probably I am also "stress eating", a distraction from the weight of life just now. 

This too, though, feels fixable and manageable this morning. How does this happen? On a day you feel anchorless, off the trail, and then, the next, rise with a sense of ability, purpose and energy. Well, maybe not actual energy, but the potential. 

Full moon. 

First frost! It is very late this year.

Mumma Yaga

Sunset over the ridge at the vineyard. It seems very far away already, this place of small magic.