240107 beyond will

January 4, 2024

 One faces a task, without the will to do it. It may be as simple as the dishes, or as overwhelming as a tax form. Then out of the blue, the resistance is gone, and just as one falls into the space when the wall you are pushing against gives way, you fall into a void where "will" is no longer a need, indeed it is behind you. You accomplish the task, in that space of ability.

 It started when I began to ready the house for a visit from Elf and her family. Rain helped and we cleaned the upstairs, vacuumed the main floor, and accomplished other preps. Elf cancelled, to have a day or two of complete rest at home. She has been performing six or seven shows a week for the last three weeks, with a couple of days off for Christmas. I was relieved, really, because there was much more to do and I was low on spoons. But the cleaning urge, indeed the cleaning, has continued. Mice have been wandering the tables where the blue cave and its bits await my attention, so the whole thing, bits and all has to be washed and re-sorted. This will be inspirational - I am feeling called to finish the project. (No-one but me really gets my work, perhaps, but I love to make these composites that bring together ideas, motifs, and colours to form a work, beautiful (to me), intricate and exciting, though it says nothing except to the joy of imagination in life.)

Yesterday I took down my recipe box to begin a job that has been knocking at my attention for years. I needed to rewrite many recipes onto cards from scraps of paper, then re-sort them by category for easier access. It was a junk drawer of information, largely inaccessible. Without mindful pressure or urgency I simply began to re-write a few items. Then, like the "falling into a void" feeling that I described above, I easily and quickly re-wrote the recipes that needed it, threw away some that I had never even prepared, left those readable on their original cards, and completed the restoration in less than an hour! The task knocks and knocks, causing stress and self-loathing, then suddenly, as easy as breathing, it is done. It has happened to me again and again, and so, when I can, I trust in the process, knowing that the job will get done. It is difficult to trust, but when I can remember, when I can let be, it eases the stress. It helps to appreciate that you don't have to do the whole job in one go. This applies to anything. Even the dishes can begin with a soak in soapy water, abandoned until later. A recipe box can begin with a few re-writes. Often the job will engage you and gets done then and there, though I always honour my short-term commitment and stop, without guilt or disappointment, if I agreed to put in only ten minutes and feel like stopping. I don't need me tricking myself into work! I need to respect that I only committed to a short time and am allowed to stop then. 

January 7

The depression with which I have been struggling for many months is gone. It seems sudden, but as I sit down to write, I realize it has been coming for a while. I have been waking full of happy energy, though it was fading as the day went on. I have been able to do things that have daunted me for months. Today I search my mind for a reason,  and for shreds of depression, but without any appreciable cause, the mood is gone. It was not situational, because the same situations exist, though perhaps some things are better and less daunting than they were. K is getting better, and being here at the vineyard has been restorative. I wish I had some wise words to tell another who is struggling, to help them find a way out of their swamp. Alas, I have no magic spell to share. 

It is snowing some more today. Snow on the ground brings more snow. It is beautiful, pure and white. 

The three witches: I look to them all day but I still cannot feel the magic. I am trusting now that it will return, as my mental health has. The old witch, in the middle, is a hawthorn with a thicket of branches, and wears a heavy coat of snow. She looks very asleep!

*****

Some recent bloodwork I had done showed high cholesterol levels, a signal that has helped me to commit to improving our diet. It is improving; I am shopping more mindfully, and finding the energy to prepare better meals. Green salads have again become part of our dinner almost daily. Yesterday I made a bean curry for the first time in ages. We used to eat beans five days a week, but I was falling back into meat and processed foods. I am happy and relieved that I have found my way back to a more healthy diet. 

This is a dahl: red lentils, carrots and peppers, with coconut milk and curry powder, healthy, delicious, and easy to make.

I see now the gradual steps that might have brought me to my improved mental state. Even in the midst of struggles, I walked on, doing what I could, without castigating myself for what I didn't do. These are little things, a salad one day, making a healthy dahl, just once, without beating myself up because it was only once. I began, in recent years, to do healthy or useful things just once, just that day, though they were things that should be part of a daily routine, working with weights, playing guitar, cooking a healthy meal. Because once is better than not at all and each single act can be a help, even if I didn't do it yesterday and will not tomorrow. Do today - you can do tomorrow when it gets here. 

For the first time in many days I went for a walk, as late as it was. Not being in the city, I don't have to take Rocky walking; he can go out on his own for a wander. He was thrilled that I was going. We went as far as the ridge, but the snow is a foot deep - you can see how far it rises on his body - and that was enough work! I will have to get out my snowshoes and take a longer hike tomorrow.

Wishing everyone a better year than the last. We must make the world a better place, even if it is just our own street or house. Every smile or act of kindness or patience changes one person's day. Every person tips the earth just a little.

Mumma Yaga