mumma yaga

 August 27 From the porch at #48. Mumma is in hospital.  I have struggled with this back pain for five weeks, and in spite of three previous ER (hospital emergency department) visits and a doctor visit, I still have no diagnosis and until tonight no relief from the pain. But tonight I have been admitted to hospital, St. Joseph's, Toronto, and given pain meds that are actually working. I have been unable to write more than scraps of notes, unable to do most anything. Tamar, Nick and K have been taking care of me with kindness and patience. I am now in the care of a neurologist and we may finally figure out what is going on with my back. I still wonder what role the covid vaccine reaction has played. My mother and mother-in-law have been on my mind because I feel a new sorrow for the pain they suffered with their illnesses. My pain has nightly been as overwhelming as birthing pain, but without purpose or ending. It has sometimes subsided in the day so I can sleep a little or wat...

 August 9 We have come home to Toronto to get Mumma taken care of. We drove in on Saturday; 700 kilometres: K did most of the driving; traffic was light and uneventful. I feel so relieved to be here, in the safety of my own home, with Tamar and Nick to look after us. The doctor will see me today at 6 pm. I want to have some solution in place for tonight and have some diagnostic tests underway. There is a tendency to feel like a child in the hands of one's medical community, waiting on their time, their authority, to get information and results. Typical August in Toronto, humid, the air palpable, heavy with moisture, the sky hazy, a warm soupy wind stirring the trees, and the threat of a developing thunderstorm.  It is lovely to see Indre and Robin. They are well and enjoying their summer after their challenging but successful school year of virtual classes.  ***** I love driving into Toronto on Highway 401,  its eighteen-lane, life-blood main artery crossing the top...

 August 6, Friday Early morning, the sun has just risen. I gave up trying to sleep, sat on the porch, and watched the stars all night. I saw one falling, and there were faint flashes high in the atmosphere - heat lightning? Haven't seen it before in my life so far away or so high in the sky.  A couple of late fireflies flashed earthbound on the lawn. At three in the morning an owl who-whoo'd. Silver linings faint in a night sleepless and in pain. I went to see a physiotherapist yesterday. He said that my whole back and abdomen were in spasm from some initial trigger which has been allowed to progress from bad to worse over the last two weeks. The exercises were helpful and I begin to hope that this may finally resolve itself. It continues to seem like another or further gross overreaction of my body to something which should not have caused so much stress. A smoky haze shrouds the hills, while across Ontario and Manitoba wildfires burn out of control. ***** August 7, Saturday ...

 August 1 Well, not the camp road, the apple sisters and the mosaics, just the health challenges have been weird, and maddening! ***** I like this camp road more each day. Now, in the middle of summer, it is calm, with filtered sunlight and a soft-colour palette of last year's brown leaves underfoot and this year's summer green above. It must be only in spring, when there is enough sun coming through, that flowers can bloom here.  ***** This Thursday began the same way last Thursday began. I spent Wednesday night awake with unmanageable pain. Once again K drove me to Cowansville Hospital, once again we were escorted to the head of the line, although even then we were more than an hour waiting. All the while I was almost beside myself with pain. [At the time, I said my pain was a ten on the pain scale, but I have since learned that you have to BE beside yourself, delirious, to count the pain as a ten. So, a nine: thrashing and wailing.] I was given pain meds even before I saw t...