230130 out of spoons

 Jan. 30

Grey, so grey! How long has it been? (Although it was only yesterday we saw the sun!) We seem to have had weeks of clouds. 

I have run out of spoons. I don't know who first started seeeing personal energy as "spoons". But I have adopted the expression, because it refers to all aspects of one's energy, to physical, emotional, and mental ability, the whole system. You need a little of each type of strength to perform the tasks of daily living, and using the number of spoons you have at your disposal each day helps you to pace yourself. More importantly perhaps, it gives you a sense of self-care, to acknowledge your limits, not in a bad way, but in a self-respecting way. Days of limitless ability will be there when they are wanted and needed. 

Today, however, is a particularly low point for me in spoon availability! Yesterday, I was in a foul mood, angry, tired and low. Received covid vaccine number five on Saturday. Could that be affecting me? It has been grey and damp for more weeks than there usually are in January! Even now, we are still not at the end! This definitely takes a toll. My mother died in January, thirty-two years ago, another trigger for lowness. The sky has been heavy for so long and I have walked each day thousands of steps up the fields and back; since it snowed, more often taking to the sidewalks. Rocky can be off-leash most of the time. He is so attentive that I only leash him when we pass someone or some dog, to be polite, and careful. Control and safety are not his, but my, responsibility. Bless him, he does not mind, and he does mind me! Language: such fun.

I have been struggling, too, with the effort of living with this family. It is hard trying to stay calm and separate when there is upset. We live in the corners of the house, it seems, like mice! Rocky looks at me sometimes, a little forlorn. The Townships is his home, although he obviously has had city training. He wants to go home, where there is peace, quiet and freedom. But this is the way of it. What cannot be changed must be walked through as best one can. Today my "best" was spoons enough to walk with Rocky, make an easy meal, rest in bed with a sudoku book. 

The thing I have learned is that the day will be over, and then there will be a different tomorrow, with more spoons. Yes, it has taken me this long to believe in time, that it passes, that it exerts change. You don't have to do anything, literally, but time will still go on and things will change. You, the situation, others, the sun and the clouds, all move forward. 

I was watching for the setting sun, and much to my surprise, it is setting farther north than it has been! We are swinging back to summer slowly but perceptibly. It lifted my spirits.

And this friendly snowman is helping too! His signs are changed daily!

Mumma Yaga