221208 alternate universes, the coopers

 Dec. 8

Sunrise, at the hydro field.

On Monday evening I had a breakage of sorts, acting angry, losing it. It came to me later that I was not so much angry, as I was scared, and sad. Those emotions were large in my mind. I was to go to the neurologist about my on-going nerve pain, lingering still from the immune system over-reaction in August of 2021. In fact I was seeing the same guy I saw then in hospital. I was scared of the test I had to undergo and feeling scared generally of the health care system as a whole! I was projecting into the future, feeling my mortality, the soon-to-be ill health and death (sooner or later, right?!). You might well ask how a grown-up could be so overwhelmed as to "break". The next morning I felt calmer, ready to face the expedition. I was still apprehensive, but I knew that one walks through the thing and what will happen will happen, and I knew that I would be out the other side and would have dealt with whatever occurred.

K drove me to the hospital and I registered with a very nice person, then went up to the EMG (nerve function) test room and a very nice test-person was there right away. K was able to join us there. The technician administered the test, which was not unpleasant or dangerous at all, and I did not have to repeat the tests on my legs; she said the ones done in '21 were not outdated. They hurt more than these on my arms. She was kind, respectful, gentle, excellent. Then the doctor came in, to the same room, and had my info from '21 right at hand, may even have remembered me, since I made a unique spectacle then. He did not attack me! Well, those are the words that came out just now, so I was obviously afraid that I would be attacked! How OLD am I - seven? He remarked that they didn't ever figure out what happened to me, and then moved on to the present: how was I now? I replied that I was getting better, very slowly, but described to him what pain I still have. He said that there are other nerve pain meds that we might try and that they work together well sometimes. He gave me a new one to add to the one I am already taking. He was so kind, and I felt like I was not invisible. As K and I walked to the parking garage I expressed my happy excitement that we were done and it was not horrible, but actually helpful!

I was at home before the "different universe" feeling came over me. I am amazed by the passage of time, which transports you through an event, and deposits you on the other side of it, having experienced it just by walking forward and doing it. (What else can one do?) It may sound self-evident, so obvious that it doesn't require comment, but the emotional impact causes me to feel that I have passed into a whole new world where that event is done and finished. It is such a relief and the feeling is miraculous. I suppose, mundanely enough, if you see that the universe changes with each event or moment, that it really is a new place: it is just, "after". 

Part of the surprise is the emotional change, how one can be so completely swept up in a feeling, how that drives one's thoughts and actions, that one loses perspective. If one can learn to separate out the emotional turmoil from the thinking, or at least pause the thinking, or the emotions, until the waters settle, that would be useful. I am getting better at recognizing that what I feel in one moment does not discredit the centredness that I felt yesterday and I remind myself that I will stabilize back to a well-functioning place before long.

*****

The Coopers are here! As I returned from a walk, (on Tuesday, after the "event", it was like an extra gift!), I heard the unmistakable cry of  the cooper's hawk, and there were several crows making a big fuss, just at the corner of our circle. I did wonder if one of them was mimicking the hawk, because the corvidae species do imitate other birds and even other sounds, telephones, alarms. Crows and most other birds do not like hawks! But a little while later, another angry crow drew my attention to the large female cooper's hawk as she alighted in a nearby tree. I was so jazzed to see her! They lived right nearby in the summer of 2020, and I watched them raise their young on the circle. Their family has been in the area for several years before that. There are lots of birds around. The crows seem plentiful! They were gone for years while the west nile virus was happening, along with other corvids: the blue jays, notably, were not seen. They are around again as well. I have seen the hairy woodpecker, a few juncos, and heard and seen the ubiquitous chickadee.

Here she is: and the black figure above and to her left is the angry crow.

This may be her nest, made of twigs and about the right size. The picture below this one shows two squirrels' nests for comparison: they are made of leaves and twigs-and-leaves.

*****

Christmas decorations! I have mentioned before that these can seem frivolous and not economically or ecologically responsible, but they are socially excellent! They say 'hello and good wishes to you', to the neighbours. I like that.

The puffy ones look a little sad when they are deflated on the lawn in the daytime, but they say something about the family at that house, that they have a sense of fun. The simple, multi-coloured, old-fashioned ones are my favorites, because they are all that we knew as kids.

Rocky and I do not walk at night in the Estrie, because it is too dark! We have been enjoying our evening walks, when the day is done: there are streetlights to see us along the sidewalks. There are a couple of lights, too, in the hydro field, so we can venture through there a little. 

*****

While Robin and I were on a mission on another planet, we stopped to see the sunset.

Thank you for visiting. The holidays approach! I am starting to catch a little excitement and planning a couple of projects. 

Mumma Yaga