200529 grief day 80

may 29

  grief: today, in my predictive text bar, "cameron" popped up: that's my mother-in-law, who died recently. the jump of emotion i felt was a surprise,  a little sharp, but fleeting. as it let go, vivid memories arose in my mind (as opposed to my arm?), but yes, perhaps my arm remembers her touch, my ear remembering her voice, or in my heart a memory so dear it catches the breath. death. it sucks. i don't know if i ever have gotten used to it. it's beyond comprehension so it keeps hitting you just when you think it's safe to go back. it's like what the dog thinks when he goes in the car. "we get in, the world goes by really fast, and then we get out: we might be at the park or at the vet." that's death: good memories/probes and needles.

  covid day 80: do you remember the beginning? does anyone remember february? [if you do, please write me what you remember.] i wish i knew what i thought about the coronavirus then. i was very busy with my mother-in-law, helping her to settle into her new residence. the usual stuff was happening at home: school and the teachers' strike, winter, winter boots. then i seemed to wake up in early march to a foreboding that we were "heading into a rough patch"* which, if it had come to nothing, would have made my early preparations an over-reaction at best.

  then the march break approached, the w.h.o. declared a pandemic, the schools closed, then the seniors' residence (today among the worst populations hit) began restrictions, and the weeks since then are quite clear. we have lived each day uncertain what tomorrow brings.

  where has that uncertainty gone that the 427 is loud again (very loud and i don't know how we stood it before.)? stores are opening and parks. at the four-way stop where we often could not see a vehicle in any direction, four cars went by in a row: as if the pandemic is past.

the curve has flattened, but is still shaky, and elsewhere in the world, including the united states the virus is not under control. is it just wishful thinking to want to continue being locked down, because it's such a slow and productive way of life?

  for some, less fortunate than i, it will be a relief to be free, if there has been anger and violence in their homes, or if they have been alone all this time. i will be glad for them. i would not wish continued pain and fear for anyone. open up the restrictions, but let's tread lightly and maintain our protocols for safe distancing and hand washing. carry the mindfulness of our lockdown days into "the new normal". and carry the care and respect we've been learning into the "the new normal". i like this brave new world of kindnesses and responsible citizenship.

*an affair to remember, 1957