240307 angry

 March 08. 24

Took the QEW home from Mount Sinai, while K was there, a familiar drive for me, but so many more high-rises along the way. A thing about being old, that places change, they become a future world.

"driving west late afternoon

edge of the frozen lake

pale clouds grey over

grey

ice waves lock the breakwater

the city drives the freeway

electricity in its veins" 

(excerpt from a long ago poem that's been knocking at my brain)

*****

I am angry.

I am angry about the sloppy work some of the nurses and doctors do. The first orthopedic surgeon who saw K when his brace plate was failing, did not give us the full picture about surgery, that it could be a good and permanent fix, instead they sent us home with a brace that did not support the plate, so it broke in two pieces, one end of which stabbed K in the leg muscle while the bone was disintegrating. Then they had the gall to say WE had refused surgery. We took THEIR advice, not knowing how it might solve everything. SO here we are four weeks later where we might have been three weeks ago. 

The surgery happened at last. K has now been moved to a "reactivation centre", which means that he is left to recuperate with only three or four physio sessions a week; no-one sustains his cardio and muscle strength. It's as if he can wait until rehab. He will be sent to rehab in four weeks plus availability, if the bone is healed. (That is a whole "nuther" thing: no-one will explain the unhealed bone, nor why they expect it to heal now.)

K himself seems to be fading, from being so long shut in, left in bed to waste away. I am angry because I think he would get better care at home; I would not need to GO to somewhere to see him; I could do all his therapy myself (it's not rocket science) and while I did dedicated care, that the nurses can't, he would have a life to live, things to do, meals to go to the dining table for, and, on that topic, a better diet. The hospital diet contains very few whole, unprocessed, foods. At home he can benefit from a proper diet, with very little processed stuff. 

Of course, K, himself may be afraid of coming home. The last two times he came home things went terribly south. So, if I was him, yes, I would be afraid to leave the system. 

But I am angry beyond this immediate inadequacy. My anger is, I do not doubt, deeper, and some of it is subconscious I am sure. I am angry that this happened to K. I have not admitted this, because it just happened. It is what it is, so anger is useless. - at who? what? a god? fate? And I am angry that I am so helpless to fix things. I have to be as patient as the patient while he gets better. Again, it is what it is. I also have anger from years of supporting, and advocating for, my parents, in the health care system, They both suffered health issues that took them through surgery and re-habilitation, with weeks of visits and talks and frustrations with nurses and doctors. This "echo" anger is the hardest to deal with, because as much as I try to let it go, the situations bring up the same blueprint, and the emotions adhere to that and echo through.

I am angry. What can I do with it? I have to find somewhere to direct it, somewhere to release it. I guess I can use some of it to make me stronger and better able to carry the work I have to do. I do have various methods for dealing with stress: a dog, friends, meditation, exercise, art, and writing. So, back to work. Keep on doing the things that need doing, including taking care of myself. I am angry and stressed. I must take care of it. It's back to me. 

*****

I have just returned from a walk with Ange (see post 240304) and the dog. The sun was shining and it was warm and the conversation was excellent. So as I return to work on this post, I think to remind myself of the positives in my life; no! - in my day. More immediate. My dog was here to greet me when I came home from the care centre; he and I went for a lovely walk with Ange, I have food in the fridge and a roof over my head. I prepared a healthy salad "bowl" for my dinner: kale, spinach, watercress, chickpeas, red onion, spicy antipasto, hummus, and my own maple-vinegar dressing. I spent time with my husband, my favorite person, the person I cannot imagine not having in my life. I have a car. The list grows endlessly.

*****

Some morning photos: Rocky and the purple bramble cane.

The moon, low in the southern sky, at dawn.

A willow, the branches seem to fill with yellow light as spring approaches, except when the rising sun turns them orange.

I thought that the other robins were playing "keep away" with this robin, then I noticed his unusual white patches. Mutant? will he find a mate?

I may be repeating myself with some of what I have said here. Forgive me. It is a new time, and these things continue to knock at my brain like stormy waves against the shore. I am thinking of taking tomorrow off.

Mumma Yaga