220404 Rocky says, "I am not lost!"
April 4
The little calfs leapt away to hide when I stopped to look at them! These are at the chicken woman's farm.
*****
My thoughts, living here, retired, covid-retired and post-illness, are used to being slow, methodical and mindful, though still, it seems, busy. Saturday morning, half-way through our walk, Rocky was out of sight and I was at a crossroads, literally, where the path branched north or west. I didn't know where he was, which way to turn. I waited there for ten minutes, maybe longer, and then I began to fret. (Okay, maybe I began to fret at four minutes, and waited for fifteen.) As I grew impatient, my mind burst into a full-on panic-reactive setting, and a hundred scenarios dove-tailed into the end of "the movie" - Rocky lost, Mumma bereft, Rocky hurt - have I missed him walking down in the woods? - fallen into the big pond ... At last I began to walk along the west path that we had taken yesterday, and as I had hoped, I found fresh paw prints in the patches of unmelted snow. I talked myself down, "Trust him, now that you have found his prints coming this way; he has anticipated you, taking the road we went down yesterday." I continued to call him, and to listen, for his bark, for his footfall. By the next crossroad, he trotted calmly out from the trees to greet me. I was so pleased to see him! Doubtless he was surprised by my emotional over-reaction, but he was okay with lots of face-licking and chest-scratching.
As we turned and headed for home I mused on the whirl of thoughts that had stormed my efforts to be calm and trusting, sensible and logical. It was remarkable that such a level of multi-layered thoughts was common in the old days when I was working full-time at mothering and homemaking, later at senior care, when I was juggling several hats in busier pre-covid, pre-retired days. At that time it was a normal state and did not seem excessive, but today it felt unnecessary, and in need of scaling back; it was not productive at all, just obfuscating and physically stressful.
I did not laugh at myself, or ridicule the worry, rather I let myself relax and feel glad, and called Rocky often, to keep him in sight as we headed home. I have marveled recently how our thoughts, emotions, and energy are connected, how they run together and get tangled: a worry or an upset will generate negative thoughts, which multiply and froth like yeast, gathering up the sparking feelings and energy into a jumbled tumble. Without self-awareness, one can easily let these tumbles out in harmful strikes towards the world: depressed or angry, one person pushes against another and then there are two of you sparking with crooked energy. The question becomes how to safely let the energy flow, how to channel it productively, change its negative charge to positive, its tangles to free, forward movement. How does one shut off the thoughts that burst staccato-like in all directions like the prickles of a sparkler in the night? Breath, I think, remembering to breathe, moving one's mind into the body, connecting with the physical - the stance, muscles, breath. A bit like opening a faucet, it allows the mental energy to run through the body and out, because one can, by focusing on calm breathing, and relaxing tight muscles, give the energy safe passage out and away. *
There is more here too, of being in one's body and senses, physical and mental self-awareness, being present. What actions are required here and now? Our senses have the capacity to draw in a sort of energy; perhaps beauty is energy! If you look up at the sky, or at the trees, or if you look at art or photographs, your attention seems to soak up the beauty like water into thirsty moss. If you listen to the noises around you, that too channels energy away from tangled thoughts onto outward pathways, and pleasant sounds, music, birds, the wind, will feed back fresh clean energy, that helps run to calmness the inner tumult. Touch - from stroking a pet to a hug, from a favorite cardigan against a chill to a hot bath and a ready towel - our hands and skin transfer energy, releasing tension out, drawing replenishing calmness in. Smell and taste add to our toolkit of physical renewal, from the aromas and flavours of foods to the physical nourishment of eating them and incorporating their energy into our bodies. As humans we spend so much time in our heads, while the dog and the cat have no use for mind-thoughts; their "thoughts" remain in their bodies. Sights, sounds, smells, and the lovely warmth of the sun on their fur are their thoughts.
*****
Here are Blackie and Rocky playing on the meadow. Kevin Behan's model of dog behavior best explains how these two mature male creatures deal together. *
*****
April the first, we had snow last year, and this year by evening it was snowing. Next morning, the sunlight, shining warm on perhaps the last of the snow, was bright, and I slowed to let my eyes be filled with the sight, because surely I would forget what it looks like, by next winter.
The bluebirds are back, having staked out, again this year, the birdhouse at the corner of the yard. I saw them this morning doing their sun-up recon. Female on the birdhouse and the male, his red breast clear in the early sun, was on a post nearby - it is their morning routine, to sit and watch the neighbourhood a while, before they fly off to their day-jobs. The song sparrow was singing in the chicken yard and chickadees, robins and blue jays are plentiful. I have seen three ravens about, though there has only been a pair all winter: our two and an interloper looking for a mate. I have heard the ruffed grouse drumming on the ridge and woodpeckers tapping everywhere.
The crooked birdhouse.
*****
The war in Europe goes on. I don't understand it. I don't know how we can fix what is broken. There must be energy in prayer, whatever form prayer takes in each person. At least, we can hold thoughts of those in need in our minds for a few minutes in the day, and imagine good energy flowing to them. A few minutes, and in a perverse but perfectly natural way, we will receive energy back inwards. Nature always runs both ways.
Mumma Yaga
* Kevin Behan's lectures about dogs have helped articulate my notions of emotion and energy. His model is good: it fits a lot of things. He uses the metaphors of streams into rivers and lakes, electricity going to ground. This is a good beginning lecture, but there is more in his books and other media. His model is a refreshing look at both dogs and humans.
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