220114 mumma returned

 Jan. 14

The sun is going behind the ridge. That clear sky is signaling a cold spell but the weather channel suggests snow again by Monday.

I have "got ahold of myself", and scrabbled back to a place of (relative) confidence and optimism. It is ever a relief to return to a state of "not-depressed". I have spent time in and out of depression, and even if I now know that I can find my way back to solid ground from the dark swamp, it is still a frightening and disheartening place in which to find myself. However, I rallied. An attempt to have a shower became a rescue of freezing pipes - the bath water wasn't running. So I turned on the heaters in the peripheral rooms, ran both the cold and hot taps in all the sinks, and finally, left the sink running hot in the affected bathroom, and the bath taps open. At twenty minutes the hot water started responding in the bath; twenty minutes later the cold came. While I waited I washed my hair and then coloured it purple (like you do!). (This is the third time in my life that I have coloured my hair. Really!) Fixing the freezing pipe problem started a nice up-mood swing and the rest of the day was spent working on daily tasks, preparing dinner, tidying and cleaning. It must have helped to bring my focus in to the daily task of living, to return to the here and now. I had been caught up in worry about the world and covid, and regret over failures and missed opportunities: future and past. The twin horns of self-indulgence, but useless to dwell on or in. I can only DO today. 

I have been cooking. I like to cook! I have known that, but not known it, all these years. Why am I re-learning things that I already knew? Sometimes it is because I am realizing them on another level. In this instance, it is partly that, until now, I was having to cook for someone every day, to feed a family. Fifty years I have spent feeding people. That was one of my jobs, but that made it a burden often. Now no-one would go without if I didn't cook. K can prepare a meal if he is hungry. So I am free to cook whenever I would like to, and whatever I want to cook, as well. 

    

Left, a very "comfort food" dinner: squash crepes, sweet and white potato gratin, and potato salad with eggs. On the right, black beans from a can and marinara, from a jar. Was excellent with pasta and parmesan.

In an effort to "live locally", I am restricting our diet of fresh produce to Canadian/Quebec sources, so I put together a baked mixture of purple cabbage, apples and cranberries. Dressed it with maple syrup: it was delicious. 

It has been exciting, also, to do a little organizing and rearranging of things here. I intalled a bathtub, today, in the upstairs bathroom, and put a mosaicked tank lid on the toilet.

We had a cold day - the temperature went down to - 23, but the sky turned blue, and the wind dropped. Was that Tuesday or Wednesday? Yesterday I walked up the camp road and down the west meadow. The snow is getting quite deep where it has drifted, but I managed, and without a walking stick (left it at a stop in the woods) for the first time since I became ill. That was encouraging. 

View from near the top of the meadow.

Blackie came to see me; we played "you're it" for a few minutes and then he was off again. He visits almost every day and we know that he is always guarding our mountain. It is almost like having our own dog. 

If you are venturing out, I wish you a safe return home. Keep well. 

Mumma Yaga