211210 mummy - don't yell, okay?

Dec. 10

Long, long ago, when my children were quite little, I explained something important to them: " You can always come to me and tell me anything and I will help you as best as I can. Just come and tell me,", I said, " but, if it's bad news, preface it by saying, 'mummy - don't yell - okay?...' " That warning was to give me a chance to prepare myself and not freak out. I reminded them about it a lot. So this became a thing that they could, and did, do. On rare occasions she would say to me, mummy don't yell, and tell me what trouble had happened. And we'd get through it together. And I told them, too, that they could always come home, any time for any reason, and we would welcome them, and find a bed for them. 

My parents never told us this, in fact they seldom (or never!) told us they loved us, but we sure knew it. I remember the first time I told my father I loved him, he was surprised and a little embarrassed and said, "I love you, too!". I was in my thirties by then. We knew, however, that we could go to them with any problem and they would help us as best they could, and they did. They helped me through many trials and challenges in my adult life, giving support and love, even if they were also expressing disapproval at my bad decisions, if applicable. We knew we had a safe haven at home if we ever needed it. We were blessed.

 My parents, the three boys, before I was born.

I extended my open heart (and hearth!) policy to my children's friends, too. As my kids became teenagers and then young adults I assured them that if a friend was in trouble they could bring them to me, too, and I would do my best to help. I knew that sometimes young people are afraid to go to their parents with a problem. I wanted my children to know our home was a safe place to come, I didn't want them burdened with a too-big problem and have no-one to turn to, whether it was they, themselves, or a friend, who needed us. We have welcomed several young people into our home over the years, who needed an understanding grownup and a place to feel safe and rest for a while, just as my parents' home was sometimes a hostel for a young person who needed a bed and a meal.

I am grateful to my parents every day for the unconditional love they always gave me. I wanted my children to feel that same strength and comfort at their backs all their lives, as they faced the big, difficult world, never to feel alone, or abandoned, with nowhere to turn for help and love.

 It's a big world.

One day I received a call: "Mummy, don't yell." The voice was tremulous and agitated. I took a breath and said, "Are you all right? It's okay, tell me." I didn't even know which of my children was calling - sometimes their voices sound the same. My first thought was that it was another daughter calling to say she had been arrested! So when she said she had crashed my car my first feeling was one of relief! It was my lovely new car, only a year or two old and the only brand new car I have ever owned. My first response was to ask my daughter if she or her passenger were hurt. They were unhurt and safe. I asked if the police had come yet. I didn't yell; I was happy that everyone was all right. (I will add that the accident was not caused by anything my daughter did wrong. In fact she was and is an excellent driver and probably saved her own life that day, handling the situation with quick thinking and adroit control of the car. My other daughter has never been arrested, that I know of, I guess I should add.) I may never know some of the scrapes and challenges my children have faced, I am sure they haven't always called, if they were able to manage on their own. They have grown into independent and confident people with the skills to meet many of life challenges with sensible, knowledgeable solutions. 

  A child learns confidence and strength. 

Young adults must face their responsibilities, and with good parenting should be learning the skills to do that. However, they shouldn't need to do it alone, if they are frightened and uncertain. In the early years, K and I talked about moving away and not telling them where we had gone once they were eighteen! It would be nice to be able to walk away, like a lion mamma, and leave the cubs to the wide world and get on with our own lives once more, but I'd never want to do that. I miss the love and strength I always felt at my back while my parents were living. There will be time enough for my children to be the grown-ups. They are already doing that. While we are able, I want to be there for the phone call, or to provide a roof and a bed when needed. It's what I mean when I say, I love you.

Love is not just an emotion one feels. It is being able to act on that emotion whenever you are needed. When you say, "I love you", it is a promise that you will be there for a person, in thought, word and action.   It is easy to make sense of this when it is a baby crying, but more difficult when it is a grown-up whose actions may be at odds with your sense of right and wrong. Whether they have a navel ring, blue hair or have been out drinking and gotten into trouble, they still need your love; they shouldn't have to be alone when they are afraid or hurting. They should be able to call you from a bad party to get a ride home. It is not a "rescue" nor a "get out of jail free" card, to open your heart to your child, to listen to and support them. You can't "protect" them from the world. You can, however, go with them to face the music, support and love them through the challenge, and be there on the other side to help them pick up the pieces and go forward.

I am grateful to others who have been someone that my children could turn to when they couldn't come to me. My children have had a village of wonderful teachers, mentors and friends who have also been there for them.

Thank you for visiting. Keep well. 

Mumma Yaga

I cried the whole time I was writing this post.

An addendum:

Stepping out of the hypothetical into the nitty-gritty, I think that a parent needs to set boundaries that reflect the child's age. A parent's boundaries are whatever they want, once the child is 18. For some, my style is too coddling, or not financially feasible. Brainstorm with your partner if you are dealing with a problem. Remember that blue hair and nose rings  may be rebellion at 16 and you are allowed to disapprove. At 18 they become life choices that perhaps you will not condone in a grown-up under your roof. Pick your battles, haven't we said this since they were two? Haha. But if it's your moral position, then walk the walk and accept what chips fall.

How do you toss your kid out on the street with all his stuff and still say, you can always come to us....? You can ask for food money, don't give pocket money, don't loan the car. These provide small incentives, not hardships. As for chores, blanket rules, " you must do this daily " are a big fight, so make it about today. Right now, take out the trash, do the dishes, please. Then do it again the next day. I guess sometimes it is going to come down to a fight. There are ground rules, like don't say something you won't follow up on, and be concrete - dates and places, time limits. DO follow up if you have laid down a rule that is being flouted. If you say "No booze." That means booze is going to result in changed locks and their belongings on the front lawn. It is your house and you get to make the rules. Rent is tricky because it may give them "renter's rights", but food costs don't come into that, nor chores. You can't make someone do something, even a five year old! But you can make it unpleasant for them not to. 

We don't tend to have knock-down-drag-out fights and say things that we know we don't mean, with each other, so same with kids. Say what you mean, mean what you say. I would, in an eviction situation, say, "I know you can handle this. Our door is still open in emergencies, but this isn't an emergency." I would also have to draw the line at harm. A controlling or abusive child is as unacceptable as the same in a partner. I would draw the line at criminal behavior, too. 

. Words like NEVER are not useful. It's not easy.