210226 Parenting Covid Children

 Feb. 26          Covid Day 353

     

This is a pandemic. "No one said it would be easy. No one said it'd be this hard." * It is harder for us grown-ups than for the children perhaps. A child takes life as it comes. It is what it is. Consider this:

Charles Darwin studied barnacles for eight years in his family's home. "When George [Darwin's son] visited a friend ... and was told his friend's father did not have a study, he asked incredulously: 'But where does your father do his barnacles?' "**

But you can't stop there and let things be. Children need security, hugs, love. They need to learn to trust the world, and themselves, to know that there is no problem they cannot tackle. Let's change things up. Think outside the toy box. 

Hugs: minimum three a day - that goes for every human, child and adult alike. If you are lucky enough to live in a multi-person household, put hugs on the house to-do list. Hang a posy of cedar and juniper, or coloured ribbons somewhere central and call it the "hug mistletoe". When more than two get there at the same time, it's group hugs all round. When my children were little, they staged "pile-ons", mumma on the bed, the three of them piled on top - always a moment of love and laughing. Have group snugs on the couch like coffee breaks. "Come on, everyone, time for a mindful minute." Stop everything and sit on the couch crowded up, and breathe together. Find a hand to hold and ask someone to share their best moment of the day, their worst, think of some silly puns. Keep books by the couch that have interesting bits, or bookmark a fact site on google. (Just look up "interesting facts sites", there are lots.) Add tea, snacks, dogs and stuffed bears to the "couch pile-on" or it can be a simple two minute time-out for everyone. It takes practice perhaps and there is no win or lose here. A jar (or a big bucket!) by the couch can be a receptacle for each person's worries, angers, peeves and you can practice dropping them into the bucket, and then you can pick them up again after the "couch-in", on your way back to your activities. A new baby in the house? The older children often came for a book-read or a snuggle while I nursed the baby, and group naps on the big bed, even if only the baby slept, gave us all a rest. Practice random hugs for when you really need them. "I need a hug!" is a common phrase at our house. It crosses anger barriers and "important" business, it's endorphin rescue. 

Time together: this can become a habit too, on the floor with little children (and big) or at the table, games - especially non-win/lose, lego, duplo, a train set, a puzzle - whatever your family likes to do, do it together for a little while. In my family of origin, penny ante poker was our family thing. At Christmas, in the evening, when everyone was home, it was poker at the dining room table, once we were older. Sometimes a family friend or two would show up. Differences, of which there were some! were put aside, and the cards were dealt. It was a very British "we're not going to talk about the hard stuff or speak our feelings" gathering, of fun, challenge, bonding. My brothers and I, and whoever else was around, played poker after my mother's funeral - my father too. He was always in the game, and after his funeral we were all there that night, with pocket change and a deck of cards. Time together like this bonds. I was frustrated for a while that Tamar and Nick played computer games with their kids, but I realized that it was bonding time. They were actively present, and the children engaged - they were bonding. It didn't matter that it was a computer game, although that isn't at all my thing. I used to watch hockey with my father, I loved the game, but not only because I had played, but because, I see now, I was at my father's side sharing a love of something here and now: bonding. This is where the love gets nurtured that will be there when shit hits the fan. 

Meals: Dinner at my parents' house was communal. We sat down as a family to eat, there was general talk, seldom fights beyond the pet arguments between siblings that were family standards. We lingered afterwards for tea and cigarettes. (It was the sixties. Everyone smoked except my mother and the ashtrays appeared on the table with the teapot. I can't believe that we all smoked in the house - what a long time ago! Imagine those poker games!) When my kids were born I began the same routine (sans cigarettes!). Everyone came to dinner. There were no food rules, the children could eat what was served or get themselves a sandwich. There was no disciplining except for table manners being taught, no discussions or arguments, although they happened. It was family time, informal, but a safe zone, an oasis. With the grandchildren we sometimes played "rose and thorn" or best moment/worst moment of the day. Change it up at dinner time, an exotic meal, a meal prepared by the kids, a make-believe meal for pirates, or royalty, served with best dishes or paper plates - think outside the dinner-table box. Eating together is so basic, so human, so ritual-laden: it forms the centrepiece of celebrations from birthdays to wakes, from weddings to religious holidays. It is bread of life.

Family bed: We adopted the family bed when Tam was a baby. Baby beside you makes nursing easy, and we found it reassuring to hear her breathing and feel her beside us, safe and secure in the night. Cribs were for lobsters and for storing clean baby clothes. [No judgement - what works for you.] As the older ones took to their own beds one of us usually ended up in one of their beds or they in ours. We sleep together as adults because it's comforting, imagine how much more children need that. Most of the world's cultures practice co-sleeping: often in a one-room house on futons, stored by the wall during the day. Mother, father, siblings, aunts, uncles and grandfather too. Bedtime routines are sometimes fraught with stress and conflict. I don't know how to avoid that! Everyone is tired - parent and child - but at some point after the struggles and the toothbrushing it's worth trying to make time for a book or lullabies, (or a quiet-time or meditation app, here in the 21st century). Someone in our house is usually lying down with the children while they go to sleep. 

The outside world: Crucial for humans in an urban setting, easier for those in the country and those with outdoor hobbies and sports, it is something to practice until it becomes habit. Most parents take their baby out in pram or stroller daily, and this daily outing can continue through a turin

the years. Walks and outdoor play are good bonding time; leave competition and teaching for subtext and enjoy each other's company. Sports is good but so is discovering nature (yes, in the city: there are plants, birds, insects to discover, science and beauty are all around). Share your interests or the children's: Eddie Izzard's "running, jumping, climbing trees...". There is architecture, neighbours' homes and gardens, local business streets and their storefronts - interesting, life-learning, community-developing. My ritual of going out to see the day in the morning has been adopted by Indre and Robin and become part of their routine. Wear appropriate clothing: think Sound of Music, play-clothes sewn from old curtains, Inuit children in winter furs; in the summer, sun protection, bare feet when possible, practical hats, silly hats. In the winter there is sometimes snow - nature's lego - and winter sports, but also ball hockey, outdoor picnics in the park or in the country, nighttime moon- and star-gazing. Sleds, skates and hockeydd sticks are available second-hand, as are roller-skates, baseballs, basketballs and soccer balls. In the summer there is sidewalk chalk and the sprinkler, and at least 47 other outdoor amusements, messy maybe, but cheap and fun. Time outside, from baby napping in the pram, to grandfather sitting with a blanket over his knees, is healthy for the mind and the body, it promotes endorphin release, Vitamin D production, and better sleep. Dogs are said to need (variously) 40 minutes to 2 hours of outdoor exercise each day, so they don't run rampent about the house chewing slippers. So, then, do children: to get the wiggles out, release negative emotions and healthy endorphins, to use up their physical energy, to tire out their bodies ready for bed. 

        

The hydro field is our wilderness.                        A cicada emerges from its chrysalis, on our maple tree.

      

This creek is in the middle of the city.                 Summer and winter we take the dog to the field.                                                      

         

At the Toronto shore.                                  There is often something interesting going on near you.

Outside the box: The old normal is extinct. This is normal: the pandemic. Sit down with pen and paper (or modern substitute) and make a list with the children or on your own, of things you could do. Like a brainstorming list - let the ideas flow without comments or judgements until you have 100 things written down. There is art-making, crayons work fine, so do "found" objects, weeds for a table arrangement, (look up Art Attack on re-run tv channels), singing, acting, (charades!), informal or prepared performances, yoga, dancing, hide and seek, Kim's game, eye-spy, Pajama day, stay-in-bed day, movie day (pajamas, popcorn, ice-cream, hot chocolate), teddy bears' picnics on the carpet in the front room - everyone invited, tropical island day, turn up the heat and get out your shorts and eat Mexican and Mediterranean food. Find your family photos for a reminiscing session. Not a week goes by at home that Indre or Robin doesn't make a fort under a table or a pirate ship on the couch. 

  Make stuff.

Talk: Tell your child explicitly that you are there for him or her. Explain that they may safely come to you with any question or problem and you will do your best to support them and help them solve it. I told my children, because it was true for my parents though they didn't say it out loud, that they may tell me anything or ask me for help and I will be there. I told them to warn me however, if it was bad: to say, "Mummy don't yell, I need to tell you something." Model sharing, tell them, short of burdening them that you have thoughts and feelings about life and family is your support system. Be aware of your children's stress levels and ask them to share their thoughts and feelings, fears and joys. Practice, most things in life take practice: an essential life lesson in itself. Communication is social, political, human: teach the children. 

A bath is a re-set button for child and adult alike.

Vaccinations notwithstanding, we are in this for the long haul. Don't wait - live life now. Make it up as you go along. If the old rules aren't working, shelve them. Let your home be a safe place, a sanctuary, a place for each household member to be themself. (socially but maybe not grammatically correct yet!) Make it that for yourself too! A place for alone time needn't be a separate bedroom or study for each of you - you can take turns in a room with a door, and make alone-time a healthy detox for everyone. "Does anyone need to use the bathroom? I'm going to be a while!"

Live alone?: If you are living alone right now, perhaps you aren't even reading this, but if you are there are helpful ideas to be gleaned from these notes. If you can, find a covid partner with whom you can meet often, bubbled or safe-distancing. Get a teddy bear to hug - they don't need care and feeding. A weighted blanket, a cozy throw or cardigan, and a hot bath or shower are all "hugs" you can give yourself. Make your meals into rituals of self-respect and self-care. Use your best dishes, dress, or dress down, eat what you love as much as you can afford. If eating healthier food interests you, then begin. This too, is habit-forming: your body will grow to like it and demand it. Go outside often, with proper clothing. Art, music, dance, writing, not a commitment, just ten minutes today and ten minutes tomorrow. Be kind to yourself.

 Live in the living room.Go out and see the day.

Covid children are the chrysalids, Wyndam's Chrysalids in a way.*** They will be different. It has happened a thousand times in human history in little ways and big, children don't stop being born and growing up just because there is a world change, a plague, a war or an earthquake. They adapt better than adults, whether for better or worse, they adapt. As parents and loving adults: uncles, aunts, grandparents and friends, we can help them adapt with strength, self-reliance and confidence. In a pandemic, we sometimes have to make it up as we go along.

Be kind. Have a good day today. 

Mumma Yaga

A note on pets: Pets are a huge commitment: it is your responsibility once you adopt an animal to ensure its health and happiness for its whole life. It is unreasonable to burden a child who isn't ready with the sole care of an animal. A pet provides much opportunity for entertainment, education, and together-time, and certainly a furry pet provides physical comfort which reduces stress and releases endorphins. In a family for whom pets are off the table, stuffed toys, robot dogs and dolls are excellent playthings. 

* No One Said It Would Be Easy, Sheryl Crow

** https://www.smithsonianmag.com/travel/the-house-where-darwin-lived-4277158/ This quote has many sources. This reference is not the original or, probably, the last. 

*** John Wyndham, The Chrysalids, 1955.