200823 Parents Children New World

  

 I am going to take a large step back here, and a leap forward, which might take us into the new world, if they could be tied to leaps in fair living wages and real equality between the sexes. First, look at what parents have accomplished in a pandemic lockdown. We have used previously untapped parenting skills and teaching strengths to see the children through an unprecedented crisis. Step back now and remember when a mother or grandmother was at home when you came home from school and a snack waited and someone wanted to hear about your day. There are parenting books that espouse every variation of care from day care and nannies to a full-time at-home parent or guardian. There is considerable evidence that a single attachment figure in the early years is a strong base upon which to build psychological strength and effective discipline. A child who feels secure in his home and his family learns to trust the world outside. It is not in the "quality time" with children that many learning moments, joys, and an ongoing dialogue about life and the world happen. It is in the spaces between the activities we do, at meals and snack-time, in slow times. But certainly there is much to learn and a lot of love and reconnection that happens in quality time; at-home parents must make the same space for quality time as their brothers and sisters who work outside the home.

   Now, in the pandemic, we hear about daycare needs affecting mothers because they are the ones whose jobs more likely depend on daycare. Because they earn less money. Fathers earn more money because they are men and get to keep their paying job while mothers' incomes are sacrificed. So it ISN'T lack of daycare that is women's burden, but women earning less than men, sidelined into lower paying jobs, (they are the ones who get pregnant and take leaves, not the scott-free men!) so they have to stay at home if there is no daycare. But even though the newspeople mention this by-the-way fact, they jump over it like a puddle in the road and shout "more daycare so women can work!". The politicians shout "more daycare!". Ironically these underpaid women, in far greater numbers than men, are providing daycare for other women, or caring for the sick and elderly, whose care used to fall to women (unpaid, and still usually does). These women are literally putting more money in the pockets of the already well-off and wealthy by working for so little so that they can work for so much. But, they will say, they are educated and experienced to deserve lots of money: yes, because they are mostly from privileged countries and neighbourhoods with good schools, unmarginalized by colour, race, gender, or, HA, poverty.

   As an at-home parent for our children, I valued my importance in creating a strong bond with the children on which to ground discipline and trust in life.  I had a partner who earned enough money for us to live on - a privilege many parents don't have and many more don't "buy" into (haha) because they also value their vocation/career, (and with excellent reasons - I begrudge no-one who pursues a loved vocation - I was able to pursue my own as an at-home mother.). I made parenting my career in the early years, and took on interests and part-time income-boosting work while the kids were in school. The trade-offs were many, mostly financial. We didn't do big holidays, didn't renovate anything, made second-hand a positive environmental practice. We are on our third hand-me-down sofa, and a 40 year old linoleum kitchen floor, I have never had a new stove: second-hand ones come along whenever someone else renovates their kitchen. Now mumma yaga is very good at a hundred skills and has a broad knowledge of many subjects from her years as a mother, all of which is worth almost nothing in the world of economics but so much to my children and grandchildren. [This is why I scorn mother's day: I say, "Please put your money where your one-day-a-year give-a-shit lip-service is.] [Ouch - hit a sore spot.]

  

  Now, a little leap forward: what if one of a child's parents or any close family member stayed at home to be the nanny, the caregiver, the daycare? What? A parent, you would say, is more than a "daycare person" Why?, because you are not "just" a care person? You don't like to be grouped with the people who are providing care for children of working parents? Would you take care of your own children if someone paid you $13 an hour? (Many would, I suspect.) What if someone paid you $50 an hour? Would you pay someone else $50 an hour to raise your child? [How much is it worth?]

I am exploring here some fundamental questions. Why does one have children? When I ask myself I reply that I am not sure now, if I ever was. Biological imperative is very strong even in our intelligent free-will species. We love making love. We love to see "mini-me's" running around the yard and grandparents love it too. So having children is natural, normal: for our DNA it is the only thing that matters*. (Ask any alligator or robin.) Then the question becomes how best to get these DNA expressions to adulthood safely and with good result. If it was a choice unconnected to income or career path, would more parents, guardians and grandparents stay home? If someone paid you a comparable wage while you parented full-time, and counted those years somehow towards your career outside the home, would you? Parenting years are filled with lessons in general knowledge, social awareness, nutrition, time management, health and first aid, which lessons become part of your child's education and your own.

The care and schooling of most children is poorly managed, mostly for financial reasons, and for which I respect those who work in the field in spite the financial challenges. Child caregivers are paid minimum wage to do a job that involves empathy and kindness, commitment to the physical and emotional health of children. Teachers are not paid much better while being expected to teach and prepare classes and provide after-school curricula and commitment to the physical and emotional health of children. They impart social and moral guidance, and life skills and do all this while controlling and keeping safe 30 + youngsters.

Children are ready for daycare and school when they are psychologically and socially prepared, coming from a place of solid parental bond and ready to engage with other children at 3, or even 4 or 5. Children benefit from a loving, safe, parent/guardian as they grow older too, a parent to bring fears and questions to as they go out in the world. Serious conversations with children do not always happen during scheduled “quality time”. The best person to provide a home base is a parent or guardian, grandparent or other relative who brings vested love to the table. I do not at all demean the care and heart-felt love that many childcare workers bring to the table each morning. What angers me is that we (as a society) rate their value at $13 an hour or live-in plus $800 a month, while their employers own everything. Those childcare workers could be at home with their own children for a few years if there were a parent wage for all. Or, if in professional childcare, workers were paid a wage that reflects a deep appreciation of their value to society and the future. Fathers and mothers should have the opportunity to provide the best for their children without sacrificing financial workability, all fathers and mothers (in every expression of those words) should be given the financial means to embrace, for a few years, their irreplaceable contribution to the children in their life. For those who want to have their career and their children too, their own "parent wage" could be granted to someone to care for their children, a supporting grant that says children matter. 

  In 2020 we have seen, at least in Canada, that we care for each other and for our society. In our concern to balance the return to school with covid-care we demonstrate that. So let's put our money where our mouth is. All children's lives matter, not just those of the middle class, (class? in 2020?!) not just those of the rich who can afford private schools, nannies, computers, proper health care, cars, and new stoves.

Thank you for visiting. Keep safe.

Mumma Yaga

References for assertions made available upon request.

*The Selfish Gene, Richard Dawkins, republished 2016.

photos (always) by mumma yaga 2020