200506 eye of a storm

may 6

  why does it feel like the covid wind that has been blowing in our faces has dropped and we are in a still place, like we've been paused. i would say in the eye of a storm but that implies more to come.

  we hear that places are getting ready to resume or, at least, resemble normal times. but i'm not sure what has changed that they can do that now but not two weeks ago. and garden centres! maybe ford has a cousin in horticulture. ouch, sorry. my inner cynic stuck out her head. perhaps it has to do with the flattened curve which many areas seem to have accomplished. but if we venture out too soon, won't the virus just sweep back up the beach like the tide? like the storm after the calm. (but it didn't seem to pick up again in china. that's hopeful.)

  it might just be me. i seem to have lost the momentum that i've been running with. we moved cameron to the new residence in january and by the end of that month we were hearing about china and had our first covid case in canada. february went by in a blur. i was visiting cameron most days and and getting her settled. several of us had colds and coughs but no startling covid symptoms, no fevers. rain, in montreal was quite ill with some random symptoms and no one could tell her what it was. the teachers were on rotating strikes so the children were on-again off-again. and then march was here and i was stocking up the cupboards with food and supplies in case of trouble. i rationalized that if it didn't hit us, then it was a good practice run. i kept the car full of gas and took out some cash to have on hand. as it happens we haven't used cash except for tips; all the stores want plastic, preferably tap. so that's been interesting. school closed and then public venues. i was still working at cameron's through march as social distancing became a thing. casual errands became a non-starter. april brought the coronavirus ever closer. warnings and speeches from doctors and politicians tumbled from the media. 

  and here is may: this bad dream is starting to go on too long and i want to wake up now. planes are infrequent and their sight or sound a novelty. the noises of life seem loud against the hushed background, a bird in a tree, the hammering at a distant construction site. at times you can feel alone in the world, standing on the porch. everyone, the whole city, seems far away, like looking through the wrong end of binoculars. cameron's death is sinking in and i am missing her. i liked being with her and being of use to her. i might as well conclude with the weather. we have had repeated runs at spring and been turned back into the cold until i can no longer face it.

  my brain is a movie reel that has ended and the projector switched off and the tail of the celluloid is still going round and round click click against the frame. maybe i just have to shut down and re-boot. how would i do that?