200423 two deaths 1

april 23

  this month my husband's mother died. she was 94 and had, only in the last couple of years, suffered several strokes and falls. we are happy that she is at peace. we are sad because we shall miss her.

  let me tell you about my mother-in-law, cameron. 40 years ago, i had been seeing k for only a few weeks but i was crazy in love. he was way out of my league and had life plans that didn't include a partner and i was just happy to be with him for whatever days i could.  so when he invited me to meet his parents, i was very excited. we met cameron and doc for dessert at the chateau lacombe restaurant (fancy!). cameron and i connected right away because we both knew the significance of the meeting! it meant i was important to him! wordlessly she and i shared this understanding and i think i must have started loving her right then.

  k and i married within the year and cam and doc welcomed me into the family with love and generosity. we moved to toronto to be near my parents, and when our first baby, tamar, was born, cam came to stay with us. she folded hundreds of cloth diapers, rocked tamar while i napped, and she never spoke a word of judgment or criticism. only gave me support, and tamar, all her love. 

  we saw cam and doc often, they were here or we went west. then when they retired to victoria, they invited each of the children to visit them for a vacation as soon as the girls were old enough. their cliffside house was big and had a lovely sunroom overlooking the ocean. there were deer on the lawn in the morning, and a pool and a good selection of ice cream in the freezer. 

  an excerpt from a visit: 

it's bedtime but elf calls: nana, there's a spider in my room. can you please come and get it?

nana replies: i thought you were used to insects, from going camping with mum and dad.

elf leans forward and in a quiet voice says: i'll tell you a secret, nana: i don't really like camping. 

i guess this says more about elf than about cameron, but it was cameron who told me the story! 

  cameron was perceptive and knew far more about life than i realized when i was younger. she and doc were a strong influence on our children. i see this more now, in my daughters' reactions to her death. doc died 20 years ago and cameron found herself alone. but cam was stoical, independent and capable and for many years carried bravely on. she had several good friends with whom to share the cruises and live performances that she and doc had enjoyed together.

  then in 2007 or 8, her companion on a stratford, ontario trip had to drop out and cam invited me to finish the stay with her. what we discovered was that we both enjoyed the plays and musicals immensely and we enjoyed the early-bird breakfasts, the dining adventures, and the shopping on main street. best of all we enjoyed the after-theatre discussions about the shows, and a nightcap before bed. we clicked. we went to stratford yearly for another 9 years. we would book a hotel for the week and see every production of the season. these weeks were the highlight of my year. 

  after my own mother died in 1991, cameron was the one who remembered my birthday. she became my second mother, unspoken, but there. i was blessed with the most amazing mother-in-law in the world.

 cameron and doc raised k, their eldest, and for that alone i loved them and honour their memory. k is a diamond, integrity itself. 

 cam came to live in ontario when most of her contemporaries had passed on. her three sons were here in toronto. we were delighted, and even happier when she moved to the west-end to be near us. i could see her almost daily, and be of more service to her, for appointments, shopping and companionship.

  last autumn cameron had a bad fall and since then had been very poorly and often in bed. she died only a few days after the last time i was with her. our children all wrote or spoke to us when they heard the news. they remember her fondly: she was a big presence in all our lives: vibrant, smart, knowledgeable, strong and very much "in the world". 

  but cameron began to want rest, without pain or handicaps: she especially hated needing others to help her. and she wanted to be with her husband, doc, again. 

tamar said, "we have to believe they get that chance."